söndag 2 augusti 2009

Review: The Reader (2008)

I had to watch The Reader in two sittings. After watching half the movie, I knew I must have missed someting, because the plot and the characters just didn't make sense. So I went through it again, this time to the end, and then I finally understood. I didn't get it wrong the first time, the movie's goal isn't to make sense. The goal for this abonimation is to disguise itself as a movie, before revealing that it's actually a bucket of human feces that desperately needs to empty itself over the viewer's head.

The story takes place in post-WWII Germany, and as it's a Hollywood production, the actors speak english with a german accent. That's never a good sign, and it quickly gets worse. The central character is a young boy named Michael who starts an affair with the substanstially older Hanna, who works as a tram conductor. The affair boils down to the two having lots of sex and Hannah asking Michael to read to her, and it gradually becomes appaerent that Hanna can't read, and that she's extremely ashamed by this.

The big plot twist occurs after Hanna mysteriously disappears, only to resurface in a court room, where it turns out she was a SS officer during the war, and that she let over 300 jewish women burn to death in a church. She defends this by simply stating that they were responsible for them, and that her squad wouldn't have been able to control them if they unlocked the doors. One could think that this would turn Michael against her, and make him question their relationship, but no - the guilt never becomes an issue and the latter part of the movie depicts Michael's attempts to strike up a friendship relation with Hanna while she's in prison. No serious questions about how or why she helped murder innocent people is ever asked, nor is the rest of the film a depiction of guilt struggling.

Not only is the treatment of the Holocaust as the moral equivalent of a speeding ticket offensive, the entire basis for the plot is downright questionable and sexist. Yes, sexist - because in a million years noone could convince me that the same retarded "Bohoo, my big terrible secret is that I can't read so I can't be held morally responsible for my actions" crap could have worked for a male. The plot requires you to view the female sex as weaker, unintelligent and unable to control their own actions. Not convinced? Try a sure-fire way when you have that nagging feeling that something isn't quite right: switch the sexes. Now you have a close-to-40 year old nazi pedophile - a direct participant in the holocaust and personally responsible for 300 people burning to death, who's screwing a 15-year-old girl and telling her to read aloud to him. Yeah, that movie will never be made.

In fact, there are only three types of people who should be able to enjoy The Reader: Nazi pedophiles who can identify themselves with Hanna, people who haven't seen enough of Kate Winslet's naked body, and finally people who are so shallow and ignorant that they actually buy this crap without giving so much as a passing thought to the fact that people are responsible for their own actions.

söndag 26 juli 2009

Review: Bloodsport (1988)

After sitting through a couple of movies that made me go "meh", I felt like watching something that I knew kicked major ass, so I popped the 1988 Jean-Claude van Damme epic Bloodsport into the DVD player. Before you start looking for this display of manliness at your local shop, make sure that you stay clear from the sequels, as all the good stuff is kept in the original.

Van Damme takes every opportunity to show that he's more agile than you

Bloodsport tells the "based on a true story" tale of Frank Dux (van Damme) who escapes his army base to defend the honor of dying sensei Generic Miyagi Ripoff in a no-holds-barred underground asskicking contest in Hong Kong. When he isn't simultaenously staying clear from government agents (including a young Forest Whitaker who is actually so bad he makes van Damme look good) and flexing his muscles in beautifully choreographed fight scenes, he finds time to befriend a cross-eyed retard and gets in bed with a hot undercover journalist.

Two out of three characters will end up in the water. Can you guess which?

The main villain Chong Li, played by Bolo Yeung, is a textbook fighting-movie-antagonist-whom-the-hero-inevitably-will-face-in-the-final-of-the-tournament, whose Evil MoveTM is to flex his pecs and utter one-liners such as "Brick not hit back" when Frank warms up by smashing brickstones. If you recognize the quote from somewhere, it might just be from Enter the Dragon, where Bruce Lee says "Board not hit back" after one of the goons displays his awesome wood-breaking powers. It might be a cheap rip-off of a macho quote, but as I love the movie I'll call it a homage based on the fact that Enter the Dragon's textbook fighting-movie-antagonist-whom-the-hero-inevitably-will-face-in-the-final-of-the-tournament is also played by Bolo Yeung, who might just be the greatest martial arts villain of the last century.

Van Damme is at the peak of his athleticism and fighting skill in the movie

It's hard to put the finger on the single greatest part of Bloodsport. The fight scenes are excellent, and the movie contains everything a great fighting flick should contain: 80s pop songs, Benny Hill-inspired chase scenes, bad acting, stereotype characters that range from hilarious to outright offensive, a fighting montage, a training montage, another fighting montage, a flashback TO the training montage in the final fight, and of course nudity, although it's a bit disappointing since it's van Damme's ass.

The other black fighter uses a chimpanzee fighting style (no, seriously)

All in all, this is probably the best of all Jean-Claude van Damme's movies. It manages to catch all the aspects you'll be looking for in the genre, and has such an 80's feeling over it that I'm surprised my hair wasn't in a perm when the end credits rolled.

This blog

As a movie buff with an irritating need to ventilate my views and opinions to people that probably don't give a rat's ass, I've realized that keeping my movie reviews on a blog is the perfect way to not ruin relations to friends and family, while still getting to vent my frustration and joy.

As mentioned in the blog description, there is no intricate system to what movies make it here, simply movies that for some reason or another made an impression on me.

/Argus